Elevator Rules Everyone Should Follow

While we're on the topic of elevators, I think a great study in human nature is how we act with other people onboard. There are a few unwritten rules of elevator conduct, some of which apply to the outside world as well. And yes, this is a weaker attempt than "Gym Rules That Everyone Should Follow."

1. Give strangers the most personal space possible. If you are with someone you don't know, you must stand no less than two inches from your opposite walls. Any closer and you enter the elevator's neutral zone used for entry and exit passing. Just like in football, don't enter the neutral zone until you're legally allowed to according to the Elevator Rules Handbook.

Let's hope you're not part of the sequel.

2. Never make eye contact with a stranger for more than 1 second. The best case scenario is zero eye contact, but we're all curious so it's natural to take a peek. You might as well see what you'd be up against should your elevator ride end like the movie Alive.

3. There is zero tolerance for bodily functions whether or not anyone else is riding. Even if you and the other rider are in some sort of Terrence and Phillip contest, it's not fair to everyone else's perfunctory (woohoo SATs!). You might think it's safe to do when you're by yourself, but since the ahem, scent, has no place to go, it just nails the next rider. I'm not sure if the door opening would act like a vacuum by replacing the elevator air with fresh lobby air, so just don't do it.

Though it's always funny, an elevator is not the place.

4. Do expect to share your food with other passengers in case you get stuck.

5. Just because I'm on the elevator with you doesn't mean I want to do the bogus dialogue about the weather. I'm not your friend and I'd never even look you way if we weren't standing in this metal box. So please, is it really worth your energy to ask me, "ya ready for the storm?" just to hear me acknowledge that there's snow on the way? I didn't think so. It's okay to have some silence while we ride.

6. Along with 5, don't start a conversation with me or anyone else on a topic that will take longer than the actual ride to finish. If you do this, it leads to an awkward exiting as you keep talking yet the doors are closing. Find a topic that's short and sweet and when it's time for you to leave, take your conversation with you. Wouldn't it be nice to have a set of doors available to us whenever we want to end any conversation? You could just say, "sorry but the doors are closing so you need to shutup."

A roll of "Shut Up" tape should be available on every elevator.

7. If you've taken more than one step outside the elevator on the wrong floor, don't walk back into the elevator. It's too embarrassing so just pretend that you meant that floor and wait for the next ride. There's nothing worse then having everyone else onboard think less of you eventhough they are strangers and you'll probably never see them again. Ok, so maybe you should just suck it up and get back onboard, but it'll be an awkward few seconds you could live without.

8. If you get on the elevator and your floor is already pushed, don't push it again. It won't speed up the elevator, nor close the doors any sooner. It's not like the original button presser's pressing was invalid. I guess you just HAD to put your mark on things. It's just like you don't need to push the call button in the lobby for the elevator more than once after it's lit.

9. You can tell who has zero patience if they regularly press the "close doors" button everytime someone enters/exits. I hope you use the extra second or two of your life really well now that you've saved soooo much time.

You don't want to ride this if you ever want ride a normal elevator again.

10. Along with taking a quick glance at other riders to size up your survivability percentage, I also enjoy listening to the awkward conversation to figure out if I'd ever be friends with these people, or if they're smart or funny. Just as I would if someone was using a cell phone. All of which helps let me know if we'd get along while waiting for the fire department to rescue us. For the record, I'm not worried every ride will get stuck between floors, but I know there's a chance. Perhaps I shouldn't have gone on the Tower of Terror.

11. Your ride will either be alone or with a full complement of people. The worst feeling is when you're on your last ride to the parking garage and it seems like the elevator is stopping at every other floor for more and more people. Sure it only adds 30 seconds or so to your ride, but it'd be great if there was a password you could enter on the keypad to make your ride an express to the parking garage. Until then, we'll just have to suffer.

Happy Riding!