So That’s Why Shampoo Bottles Have Instructions

As I was just starting to fall asleep on Tuesday night, my non-existent security system beeped twice to annunciate that we had lost power. Thanks for breaking the news to me. After using my cell phone, that did a great job doubling as a flashlight to help me find and unplug a few appliances, I returned to bed and set my phone’s alarm. I put my head on the pillow and hoped the power would come back sooner rather than later, so I wouldn’t have to have an uncomfortably sweaty sleep. Once again, as I was just starting to fall asleep, the same non-existent alarm began to quickly beep three times every 30 seconds. It proceeded to do this for at least five minutes (which is how long it took me to fall back to sleep).

Don't forget the water!

I slept through the night and awoke a little more than groggy, but I pressed forward with my showering and dressing. Things were going smoothly and I felt no residual from a poor night of sleep until I combed my hair. With each pull through, soap suds were becoming more apparent. I had put a dab of gel in my hair, but this was ridiculous. Gel is not supposed to make suds. In one of my less than finer moments, I had forgotten to fully wash out the shampoo! My streak of several thousand successful rinse, rather, repeats was over in a flash, or rather a brush, or rather a stroke of bad luck, or rather I can’t think of anymore puns.

Even a toupee needs a good wash.

You know how you’ll see a sign or instruction and wonder why someone would ever need to read them? Like a new steak knife set with a Do Not Swallow warning or McDonald’s coffee with a Caution: Hot sign on the cup. Well that’s because someone has tried to swallow a knife or didn’t want to admit to knowing that the hot coffee in their cup would also be hot if it landed on bare skin. They complained there was no such language telling them not to do it, so now there’s a burgeoning field of corporate law called, “Covering Yourself From Idiot Usage.” Though not as dangerous, but just as embarrassing, feel free to add me to the list of people who need the idiot usage naturally-understood-from-birth shampooing instructions printed on every bottle.