Saturday, May 24, 2008

All NHL Players Are Using Performance Enhancing Hair Drugs

The SO is from Michigan where you're required to root for the Detroit Red Wings or be banished from the state. With the Wings actually making it past the first round for the first time in a few years, I've watched more hockey than normal.

What hockey players lack in teeth they make up for in hair.

This has allowed me to capture data for my theory that all NHL players are using performance enhancing hair drugs (PEHDs)! Pro athletes are putting things in their bodies that I wouldn't touch outside of a trip to Tijuana, yet the NHL's PEHDs make a strong case to experiment. Perhaps the testosterone injections in the NHL grow more hair than the HGH used in other leagues. No matter how they do it, no other sports league has better heads of hair.

Exhibit A: The Meadowlands, January 2003. An out-of-focus picture of Brendan Shanahan by B and T Crowd shows his beautiful flowing locks.

Checkout any team's roster. I challenge you to find 1/4 of the players with even the slightest hint of male pattern baldness. I've wondered why so many have full head's of hair even with the abuse their follicles take from constant helmet wearing. It doesn't seem natural. It doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem fair. NHL playoff teams even flaunt their hair prowess by growing beards seemingly overnight, vowing not to shave until their season ends. Some may get hair implants, but drugs are more reliable.

Exhibit B: Chelios is 46, yet has the hair of a 20-year-old. Someone this age shouldn't still be playing by natural means nor have this amount of hair...something fishy is going on here.

Side Red Wings story: A few years ago, in my early years of courting the SO, I took her up and back in a night to see the Devils host the Wings (in northern NJ). The Devils ended up winning 1-0. The SO still argues that the Devils "cheated" which means the victory doesn't count in her mind. Meanwhile my go-to argument is, "all I know is my team beat your team in person. Ipso facto, the Devils are better than the Wings for eternity." Occasionally I'll go to my reserves and remind her the Devils beat the Wings for the 1994-5 Stanley Cup, long before we became "us." This inevitably leads to her not talking to me the rest of the day.

Exhibit C: 20 years after his career began, Jagr still rocks a full head of hair, albeit not the mullet from 1990. Biology and age normally prevent this.

The main explanation I can think is that NHL players are using some super strength Rogaine that hasn't been approved by the FDA. Or maybe it's just a Canadian/European issue. Do other countries put Rogaine in their tap water? Maybe the Canadian/European super hair growth DNA gets destroyed after the first generation of immigrants to the U.S. I've got a Russian and German mixture in me, yet I don't need monthly haircuts. It must have been lost in translation.

The Hansons ensured an authentic hockey movie with lots of hair.

I've started to thin on top, but it isn't noticeable except to the SO and my hairdresser. When the time comes for sunblock on my scalp, I'd love to get my hands on what the NHLPA passes out for its members' beautiful manes.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Most players now are using homeopathic growth hormone oral spray. It's legal for over the counter sales and is very gentle on the system.