Sunday, May 11, 2008

Nobody Wants To See Your Chest Hair When You Run

Have you ever finished a long run wanting to throw up? No, not from too many hills, but from seeing too many sweaty guys without their shirts on (see: Matthew McConaughey).

We are facing an epidemic throughout the DC metro area’s running trails…guys running without their shirts. I will try to think of a few reasons why a guy would think this makes sense…only to shoot them down from my holier than thou blogging perch of course.

I don't care if you're an awful actor, running shirtless is inexcusable.

1. “When I run past that girl, she’ll stop and ask me out because of my body.” Ummm, right. Has anyone seen, heard, or experienced this scenario? The SO says this is the male equivalent to girls running in sports bras and short shorts, clearly letting us know they don’t care about comfort. The woman who goes after this guy is the same as the ultra-shallow, ultra-desperate, ultra-pathetic girls watching Tom Cruise at the volleyball court in Top Gun.

It's just like an Abercrombie and Fitch photo shoot.

One request before I continue. Will all shirtless guys running around in cyclist spandex shorts please put a shirt on. You’re leaving nothing to the imagination. One day people will jump off a cliff or drown themselves in the nearest body of water after having your image burned into their memory. Just so your superficial self is made aware, the spandex only serves to increase your muffin top.

As bad as bicycle shorts look on runners, at least Matthew Fox keeps his shirt on.

2. “I run without a shirt because it’s too hot.” I guess you haven’t heard of Under Armor or other knockoff breathable clothing that repels your sweat. If you can’t afford fancy exercise clothes, at least wearing a shirt allows you to wipe the sweat off your face. Unless you’re wearing a shirt made out of super absorbent microfiber squeegee sponge material, a sweat-filled shirt won’t weigh you down that much nor keep the heat trapped next to your body. If you’re worried about the weight, then shouldn’t’ you also be running in track flats? Plus, nobody wants to know what your chest hair pattern is or that you wax it every week.

3. “I don’t want a farmer’s tan.” When I do walk/run and see these jokers, it’s after work and after 5 PM. It so happens that the sun is setting meaning its UV rays won’t exactly give you tanlines during your one-hour run. Plus, the routes I’ve seen shirtless runners on tend to have more treecover than open air. As the SO points out, if you’re running shirtless, at least do it after your chest has seen the light of day a few times since last year.

No matter how interesting your chest hair pattern is, going shirtless is for the beach.

4. “I like showing off my body.” In a way, all of us are conscious of our body image and will wear things (or not) to accentuate the good parts. I’ll grant you this, but running sans shirt just isn’t proper etiquette around the DC area. It's the unspoken code of DC running from Centennial Park in Howard County to the National Mall (think of the children!) to the Capital Crescent Trail. It’s only appropriate to run without a shirt when you’re along the (Santa Monica) beach. We’re running by presidential monuments for goodness sake!

How about I offer you, the shirtless runner, this compromise…wear a fitted breathable shirt instead. It lets everyone know your body shape and we aren’t forced to see your unsymmetrical chest hair and learn that you shave your armpits.

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Will Grizzly said...

the real reason why men prefer to run shirtless: nipple chafing. anything else is secondary.

if you don't know what i mean, just try googling it.


B and T Crowd said...

I'm well aware of the nipple issue. That's why nip guards were made.

Chad Valiant said...

Why is it any of your business if men run shirtless or not? People like you need to get a life. If you don't like shirtless men, then don't look.

It's a free country. People are free to wear what they want.

My advice: get over your prudish issues.

B and T Crowd said...

The only thing sadder than blogging about something like this is to comment about someone blogging about this.

Andrew said...

Run shirtless for the freedom, not for what others think. Plus it saves trips to the laundromat

Anonymous said...

Ha ha! I used to run with a shirt all the time because I would always seem to get in trouble for "showing off" every time I took my shirt off. Eventually though I grew up and realized it was more about the other person's issues/insecurities.

Either way, this blog was good for a laugh!


UK (shirt wearing) runner said...

Just like to pick up on your last argument.

"just isn’t proper etiquette around the DC area. It's the unspoken code of DC running from Centennial Park in Howard County to the National Mall (think of the children!)"

Let's break this down:
Isnt proper etiquette - since etiquette is dictated by the community and if a lot of guys from that community are doing it doesnt that make it established and therefore permissable?

Unspoken code - so hard for the men to know this since know body speaks about it, i'm sure they just look at other men (see above about etiquette).

Think of the children! - I have no idea what this means. I think you are being sarcastic, at least I hope so.

UK (shirt wearing) runner

Tereza said...

"Nobody Wants To See Your Chest Hair When You Run"

Really nobody? becouse, I beg to differ. OK, when it is some old fat guy, ok.. but you guys talking about sexy man, with great fit body. Look at Fox and those other guys, they ARE hot. And I am not just some other crazy fan, I am serious.
Next - and what? I don´t wanna look at my boss at work and I still have to, we can´t talk to other peple, what they can and what they can´t. Nude is normal.
Your opinions are sux.

Anonymous said...

I run without shirt. It make me sexy. Girl like to look at hard chest and sweaty body. They like to say "Oh Omar, show me sexy hair body. Show me like the sexy breast! RAOR!" I like this! So I keep running without shirt! I meet wife this way!

jf said...

Great blog post! I agree, keep your shirts on, runners.

Anonymous said...

I run with and without a shirt. It has nothing to do with any of the resons you listed. It's about comfort. So..if it's between my comfort or your ..well anything..then my comfort comes first. sorry ..not really :)

Anonymous said...

Do guys who run shirtless read blogs like this?

B and T Crowd said...

Why would anyone read this sarcastic pardody of a blog? I wouldn't.

Anonymous said...

Pretty nice blog you've got here. Thanks the author for it. I like such topics and anything connected to them. I would like to read more soon.

Anonymous said...

Yeah. Prudish. Do you do the shirtless jogging? I do,most of the times,not every time.