Rockabye Loaf of Bread On The Treetop...

Perhaps I'm the minority here (like many aspects of my life), but I make it a point to go out of my way protect one of the most basic of all life sustenances...a loaf of bread. Bread is so important to our society, especially those of bachelorhood like myself. From grilled cheese, to a hoagie or submarine, to the perfect PB&J, none of these would be possible without some good'ol slices of bread.

Bread has always been a key component of the FDA's food pyramid or whatever shape it takes now that they've revamped it. It's safe to say that if the food chart changes again into anything from an octagon to the 3-D (and my fave) dodecahedron, bread will always remain an important sustainment of our life like water. While there are many types of bread, my overprotective parental concern is for your mass-produced 24-slice loaf of bread.

The plastic wrap used offers zero protection from any catastrophic injury to the loaf. Merely placing it on your kitchen counter will result in 1st-degree bruises unless you're extra careful. This is why you must care for your loaf as you would a baby and cradle it whenever you can. Of course, I took some liberty photoshopping the bread into the following picture:

This girl is lucky to have been taught the way to cradle a loaf bread as she would a baby. There's no reason not to care for you bread as much as your own child. That means ensuring it is gently placed down and away from potential hazards. These hazards are apparent from the moment you remove the bread from the shelf to placing it in your own kitchen. This all stems from the violent abuse I observed at my local supermarket when a cashier practically threw a loaf into a woman's shopping cart. I was appalled and almost called 911, until I calmed down and decided it was better to put my thoughts on paper.

Follow me, if you will, through my typical bread purchasing experience.

After selecting my loaf, I carefully place it on the separate shelf of the shopping cart. This keeps it away from the deadly jug of OJ and Milk, heck, even the package of chicken I bought could hurt the bread if moved the wrong way. The rest of the shopping experience is foolproof as no other items rest on the bread's shelf.

Checking out is another story if I use a cashier. It's the only time I do not have control over the bread's handling and movement. Some cashiers have the nerve of placing my "baby" loaf of bread in a bag with other foods! Do they not understand how easily the bread can be misshapened? Please, for the love of all things holy, do not place the bread in a bag with anything else, there's just too much to risk!

Once I get to my car, I always place the bread by itself in the front passenger seat with all other groceries going in the back seat or trunk. Occasionally, I'm forced to place some food on the floor mats of the passenger seat. This is a huge risk b/c cars have not been built with bread seat belts (somebody should start lobbying Congress) so if your loaf falls to the floor mat, the other foods are free to crush it from every angle. By placing your loaf on the passenger seat, you may drive with your hand on the bread whenever you have to stop short. Finally, once you're home, the bread's safety will remain high since it is your home and I'm sure you've already made it bread-safe proof.

So there you have it...an overly-exhaustive explanation of the steps I (and you should) follow when caring for you loaf of bread. Please stop the insanity of bruised or smooshed bread, there is a way to live a life of perfectly shaped bread.