Mmmmm...A dozen blue crabs in 24 hours

I hope everyone's Memorial Day weekend went well. There was no update the last few days because I was too busy eating more crabs and ingesting enough sodium to cure all the world's red meat.

I went to two Maryland crab mainstays this weekend - my always favorite Cantler's Maryland Blue Crab House in Naptown on Sunday night and my virgin crabfeast at Mike's Crab House in Riva on Saturday night.

Despite being around for 45 years, Mike's had rather average crabs. Our waiter went from telling us they had large and medium crabs, to just mediums, to none, to having large ones in the next delivery if we waited 20 minutes. Of course we'd wait until there were crabs since it's a MD faux pas to visit a legit crab house and not order at least a 1/2 dozen crabs. The seasoning was nothing special in my humble opinion. Unlike Cantler's, I had no desire to discreetly remove (really steal) some seasoning for my own cooking. Mike's gets some points because it had more seating than Cantler's, but sitting down quickly for an average meal with really poor service does nobody any good.

Once again, Cantler's came through with a great blue crab eating experience. Thanks to having larger crabs actually available at the late holiday weekend mealtime of 9, to the great seasoning that is better than the old standby of Old Bay Seasoning, to better service, to even the stupendous slice of key lime pie to finish things off, Cantler's is impossible to beat. It is the best crab house in Maryland and would stand on its own nationwide. It's clear that I'm not the first, nor the last one to rave about this institution. So a big thanks to Jimmy Cantler and the crabcatchers for a great meal.

Mr. Grinch, there's no Halloween in May

A man in WV was arrested on Tuesday for wearing a Grinch mask in public. Apparently there's a law in the books making it illegal for adults to wear masks outside of Halloween, theatrical productions, or safety needs. Wearing a mask in public is a misdemeanor in WV, with a possible fine up to $500 and even a year in jail. Police say it hinders their ability to ID suspects...no kidding.

Norman Gray removed the mask after the police asked him to do so by explaining it was illegal to wear a mask. Gray didn't believe the police and put the mask right back on, afterwhich he was promptly arrested. The mask now resides in their evidence room, but I think the arresting officer just wanted an early start on his Halloween shopping.

Sure my "package" is large, but it does not have explosives

Florida's Interstate 75 was shutdown for an hour yesterday, as investigators handled a suspicious looking package. They thought it was a pipe bomb, but instead was just a foot-long penis (that's right, I typed it out) wrapped in duct tape. Thanks to "construction-grade plastic" and a good mold, authorities were able to determine the object from first-hand (either left or right) knowledge for sure. Fortunately, the penis was not a real bomb and of course did not explode. While we're here, I was just wondering, would you call the work that bomb exploders do...blow jobs? I'm just surprised none of the quoted investigators were named Johnson or that I could think of other ways to write italic double-entendres.

Lookout, it's a penis bomb!

Look at me, I'm unsupervised inside a vending machine

I don't have kids right now, but I know that if I become a parent, I will do my best to ensure that my child does not end up like this one:

That's 3-year old James Manges II in there. His mother claims he threw a juice box on the floor after she didn't give him money for the machine. She said in the time it took for her to pickup the box, he was already in the machine.

Really? Did she pickup the box in slow motion? Did the child throw the box 100 yards down the aisle? Perhaps she's trying to save face and not readily admit she had her eye off the child for too long, but no matter, her kid is in the vending machine!

While waiting for help, she got a disposable camera, as did other shoppers to record the moment. She did this before learning Wal-Mart didn't have a key. Only then did she, with camera in-hand, get angry about the situation. This I find funny.

Who needs to worry about how the child will get out in the first place, when you make it a priority to have a picture of it? The kid was not in any serious trouble so everything turned out well. Next time she needs to take less time picking up his juice box.

Rockabye Loaf of Bread On The Treetop...

Perhaps I'm the minority here (like many aspects of my life), but I make it a point to go out of my way protect one of the most basic of all life sustenances...a loaf of bread. Bread is so important to our society, especially those of bachelorhood like myself. From grilled cheese, to a hoagie or submarine, to the perfect PB&J, none of these would be possible without some good'ol slices of bread.

Bread has always been a key component of the FDA's food pyramid or whatever shape it takes now that they've revamped it. It's safe to say that if the food chart changes again into anything from an octagon to the 3-D (and my fave) dodecahedron, bread will always remain an important sustainment of our life like water. While there are many types of bread, my overprotective parental concern is for your mass-produced 24-slice loaf of bread.

The plastic wrap used offers zero protection from any catastrophic injury to the loaf. Merely placing it on your kitchen counter will result in 1st-degree bruises unless you're extra careful. This is why you must care for your loaf as you would a baby and cradle it whenever you can. Of course, I took some liberty photoshopping the bread into the following picture:

This girl is lucky to have been taught the way to cradle a loaf bread as she would a baby. There's no reason not to care for you bread as much as your own child. That means ensuring it is gently placed down and away from potential hazards. These hazards are apparent from the moment you remove the bread from the shelf to placing it in your own kitchen. This all stems from the violent abuse I observed at my local supermarket when a cashier practically threw a loaf into a woman's shopping cart. I was appalled and almost called 911, until I calmed down and decided it was better to put my thoughts on paper.

Follow me, if you will, through my typical bread purchasing experience.

After selecting my loaf, I carefully place it on the separate shelf of the shopping cart. This keeps it away from the deadly jug of OJ and Milk, heck, even the package of chicken I bought could hurt the bread if moved the wrong way. The rest of the shopping experience is foolproof as no other items rest on the bread's shelf.

Checking out is another story if I use a cashier. It's the only time I do not have control over the bread's handling and movement. Some cashiers have the nerve of placing my "baby" loaf of bread in a bag with other foods! Do they not understand how easily the bread can be misshapened? Please, for the love of all things holy, do not place the bread in a bag with anything else, there's just too much to risk!

Once I get to my car, I always place the bread by itself in the front passenger seat with all other groceries going in the back seat or trunk. Occasionally, I'm forced to place some food on the floor mats of the passenger seat. This is a huge risk b/c cars have not been built with bread seat belts (somebody should start lobbying Congress) so if your loaf falls to the floor mat, the other foods are free to crush it from every angle. By placing your loaf on the passenger seat, you may drive with your hand on the bread whenever you have to stop short. Finally, once you're home, the bread's safety will remain high since it is your home and I'm sure you've already made it bread-safe proof.

So there you have it...an overly-exhaustive explanation of the steps I (and you should) follow when caring for you loaf of bread. Please stop the insanity of bruised or smooshed bread, there is a way to live a life of perfectly shaped bread.

The Ultimate $7,400,000 Bar Mitzvah Party

Some British billionaire retailer is throwing his son a gigantic, 3-day Bar Mitzvah party in the French Riviera. I used to think some of the Mitzvah parties around my old neck of the woods were extravagant when I heard a family rented out Giants Stadium or Continental Airlines Arena. Philip Green really takes the cake with a 3-day event that requires him to charter a private jet for the 200 guests. Not only is the setting incredible, but he also hired Destiny's Child to perform.

In the land of the B and T Crowd, the entertainment was either a DJ, with a dancer or two, or a good-sized band. While hip hop and some pop songs don't translate well with a band, it still is a nice thing to have. If you went with a DJ/dance troupe, back in the day the "best" was and appears to still be the forever cheesy Hart to Hart Entertainment.

While this kid's party in the French Riviera sounds great, I just hope it's not the father's way of making up for all the time he's not at home and to impress his friends.

Fear not, updates on the way!

To my esteemed regular and newly-minted audience members, many an update is on its way with the blog. I was out of town last week in good'ol Nashvegas (Nashville) for my sister's graduation which I'll write about once I actually unpack all my things.

Getting Lucky Twice With A $864,253.50 Horse Racing Ticket

Chris Hertzog got lucky twice with the upsets in the Kentucky Derby on Saturday. It wasn't enough that he picked the top 3 horses, but he also misplaced the $864,000 ticket, only to get it back later.



"According to Turf Paradise, the clerk who sold him the ticket came to the rescue on Sunday, finding the misplaced slip of paper next to the machine where Hertzog had placed the wager the previous day."

7th Circuit Court Defines a Ho vs. Hoe Courtesy of Ludacris

I wish I could take credit for finding this hilarious text after perusing the latest decisions handed down by the 7th circuit court, but I actually don't read every case on file. I think it's a sign that Ludacris really has made it now that he has been made a subject matter expert for the courts. No matter though, the following text really appears as a footnote in a trial's transcript from May 4th:

Footnote one of the Seventh Circuit's opinion today in USA v. Murphy states:

The trial transcript quotes Ms. Hayden as saying Murphy called her a snitch bitch "hoe." A "hoe," of course, is a tool used for weeding and gardening. We think the court reporter, unfamiliar with rap music (perhaps thankfully so), misunderstood Hayden's response. We have taken the liberty of changing "hoe" to "ho," a staple of rap music vernacular as, for example, when Ludacris raps "You doin' ho activities with ho tendencies."

Don't believe it's legit? Look at page 2 of this PDF transcript.

Mmmm...15-pound hamburger

Who's up for a road trip to this fine establishment about 4 hours away? Many people make pilgrimages to sacred places...whether it's Israel, Mecca, or the first Starbucks, so why not make a plan to visit Denny's Beer Barrel Pub for a gigantic hamburger?

It's where you can find the current record holder for largest hamburger, weighing in at a mere 15 pounds for just $30...what a bargain! And if you finish the burger within a 3-hour time limit, not only is the meal on the house, but you get days of stomach pains and indigestion!

To make this at home, all you need is 15 pounds of meat that take 2.5 hours to cook, grill it for some aesthetic grill lines, add 25 slices of cheese, 3 tomatoes, an entire head of lettuce, a cup and a half each of mayonnaise, mustard, and ketchup, and of course a sesame seed bun large enough to handle it all.

So who's making the pilgrimage with me?

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/05124/498674.stm

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-gleaner,0,2022330.htmlstory?coll=chi-news-hed

Screech on Screech

If you ever watched "Saved By The Bell", then you'll really enjoy reading this interview transcript that Screech or Dustin Diamond, had with the Washington Post. It includes such humourous answers like:

Bethesda, MD: Screech, I have always been a huge fan, in fact you were the only reason I used to watch saved by the bell. I was excited to hear our new mascot was Screech, how do you feel about it? Do you miss hanging out with A.C. Slater and the gang?

Dustin Diamond: Thanks. The Washington Slaters would be cool but the whole team would have to cheat on their wives.