Sunday, October 12, 2008

We Won't Reach A Bipartisan Congress Until We Fix This Conflict

I tend to stray from talking politics. We all have our views and it's unlikely anyone will convince someone else to change their mind about who to vote for. Likewise this blog doesn't bring up such topics, but for this post at least, we need to talk about what nobody's willing to talk about.

There are many issues facing the presidential candidates ranging from the economy to Iraq, health care to immigration, and choosing a blue or red tie for debates. Yet neither Obama nor McCain have stepped up to America's, and likely the world's biggest problem - improper toilet paper roll (TPR) direction. Scoff all you want, but this impacts all of us where it matters.

I dream of a day when all custodians learn the proper TPR direction.

Too many TPRs are set to rotate the wrong way. The proper TPR is placed so that the leading edge comes over the top of the roll. Bathroom managers everywhere are making the horrendous decision to lead from the bottom of the TPR. This is an affront to the American way of making tasks as easy as possible so we don't have to think. When it's time to wipe, an overhand TPR is the quickest, easiest, and most importantly, cleanest way to access your sanitary cloth.

Tremendous idea, but poor execution with underhand TPRs.

The underhand TPR is the last thing anyone wants to see when they don't have time for an alternate place of deposit. A recent survey conducted by an illegitimate firm whose credibility has not been recognized found that 94.5% of the time an overhand TPR is advantageous compared to an underhand TPR. The imaginary survey also found that 5.4% of the time neither roll direction is more favorable, and 0.1% of the time the underhand TPR is desired. It should be noted that those 0.1% respondents are all from an underhand TPR lobbying group.

An underhand TPR requires greater distance to reach the paper's edge for successful pulling. At the very least, you must reach around half of the roll's diameter as you flail your fingers for that first piece that you can't see. Often, the edge is resting on the next revolution of paper so your bacteria-laden fingers inevitably scrape the paper just to start the roll. I don't have to tell you (but I will anyway) that nobody wants to wipe with TP that they dirtied themselves, let alone someone else.

I love technology!

If you're fortunate enough to have an accessible edge, you're still traveling a greater distance to find that edge. When you're in need of TP, nobody wants to go from squatting to standing and increase the need for TP in other places. Sorry, it had to be written on the Internet sometime. What's worse, is when you do rip your sheet from the TPR, the edge returns to the start on the other side of the roll. Back to square one.

Ripping an underhand TPR is like reaching a mountain's peak only to fall and climb it again.

Consider yourself lucky when you find an overhand TPR. First, it's closer, negating the need to travel around the TPR's diameter to find relief. Second, you can clearly see the edge, allowing for pinpoint first contact accuracy and no mess on future squares. No matter where the edge hangs after ripping the TP, you'll be able to start and finish cleanly.

Finally a way to show Hello Kitty how you feel about her/it.

The greatest advantage for overhand TPR is a lower rate of premature rotational ripping. Pulling from an underhand TPR requires greater dexterity and touch to not rip the paper as you pull from the blind side. The underhand pull requires the paper to go down and then toward you. It is this directional change where we see the greatest number of elongated paper fatalities.

The overhand TPR is always a simple pull toward. At worst, you have to lift the edge and then pull toward, but you are not forced to change directions. This increases the success rate of elongated paper rolling to over 98%; a number the underhand TPR lobbyists have never refuted. Accidental broken paper pulls from an overhand TPR stem from your friend's cheap TPR buying ways or malfunctioning spindles. If you try to do a quick pull and rip from an underhand TPR it will likely cause the TP to continue rolling off of the roll.

Nobody asked about TPR direction at last week's town hall debate and that's a shame considering how split America has been on party politics. Americans deserve to know where the candidates stand (err, squat?) on this issue. I am B and T Crowd and I approved this message.

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