I Smell Like A Chlorinated French Whore

First, allow me apologize to the large contingent of readers hailing from France who are whores. In this case, the stereotype of such a lady is her penchant for excessive perfume to cover the, um, smells that she attains during a typical workday/night. In my case, I am neither French nor a whore (except I whore myself to gain readers of this blog), but I do smell like far too many brands of cologne.

Gene Wilder's book, "My French Whore," isn't exactly about heavy perfume use.

I'm pretty sure users of this type of perfume bottle aren't reading this blog, don't have a cell phone, and don't watch Real World Brooklyn.

I rolled up to the Macy's in the Columbia Mall and began snorting colognes for purchase. Unlike the makeup counter salespeople who have to wear every one of their products, the women behind the cologne counter were not wearing all of the colognes. I didn't verify that the same was true for women selling perfumes, but you'd like to think that they wouldn't.

Good luck getting those smells off of you.

I smelled colognes from a black bottle, blue bottle, tall bottle, fat bottle, clamshell bottle (really), triangle bottle, and even bottles shaped like snowglobes. Most of the weird shapes came from the Bvlgari counter, none of which were even close to making it past the first round of auditions. I tried some from Calvin and other designers that were close, but not right. One cologne even smelled like black licorice, one of my most hated foods. No thanks.

I am so thankful to the person who realized coffee beans cleanse your nose's palate between sprays.

I settled on a cologne made by a woman known for wedding dress design - Vera Wang for Men. The product's description is: An aromatic oriental, the Vera Wang For Men fragrance is masculine and seductive. A scent designed to elicit desire, emotion and passion. If I can be both masculine and seductive by lining Vera Wang's pockets with cash, I'm all for it.

Quick, give us your "masculine" and "seductive" pose. Make it fierce!

I walked out of the mall with the smell of all colognes sprayed on my wrists. It seems that even small dashes of artificial pheromones are tough to remove. Despite multiple hand washes and one loofah-heavy shower, I still carry the scents of Bvlgari AQVA, Calvin Klein's Euphoria, and Carolina Herrera's 212, plus a few more colognes I can't recall. Having exercised this morning with a dip in the pool, it seems chlorine and an uncontrolled mixture of cologne don't mix.