Monday, January 05, 2009

Now I Know The Pain Of Childbirth

I was admitted to the ER at 1700 hours. There was no waiting in triage this time, no ID bracelet, not even a request for my health insurance card. I was no longer going to belabor my labor. I had carried this creation to term and it was time to cut its cord(s).

I was immediately rushed to the set of "ER" for care by Dr. Mark Greene, then we shot some hoops.

Two weeks ago, I embarked on a life changing journey - I grew a beard by going two weeks without shaving. What remained were plenty of gray hairs, a mustache and beard that never connected, and comparisons to an Amish lumberjack in Rabbinical school.

I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay (except for the wearing women's clothing part).

The first week was the toughest because of unkempt stubble. Hairs were regularly getting caught in my fleece's collar when they weren't catching food crumbs (always convenient to eat later). When I removed my cell phone from my cheek, a few hairs would go with it, making me wonder if this beard was worth the agony.

A few people confused me for George.

Eventually the hairs started to relax and incidents of discomfort ended. Suddenly I looked 10 years older, was called "Sir" at the store, and received tenure as an English professor. Things were looking up!

Hockey players don't shave during the playoffs...why should I?

My electric razor's sideburn trimmer would be the surgical instrument of choice. It's not the ideal method for this operation, but it'll have to do. I began with a trimming of the sideburns and moved around to the neck. Very little discomfort was felt. Now it would get tougher with the area for a goatee that I wasn't able to grow.

Toughing it out like me without painkillers?

The trimmer immediately got stuck and wouldn't release the hairs easily; meaning a few hairs were pulled taught, and maybe even out, in order to remove the trimmer from my face. Because I wanted this to be a natural event, I refused offers for an epidural and continued on in agony; wincing with every cut, keeping a leather belt between my teeth, and wondering how giving birth could be any tougher.

I don't need any of your medicine...this will be a natural event.

After 30 minutes of crocodile tears and many pulled hairs, my face was back to a 5 o'clock shadow. A quick shave in the morning wiped out the rest.

No comments: