Torah Hero - Be A Bar/Bat Mitzvah Badass!

Hey kids, ever wanted a cool way to practice your Bar/Bat Mitzvah prayers and Torah portions? Then Torah Hero might be just what you need. Here's how I'd design the game as a parody of the Guitar Hero and Rock Band videogame franchises. Neither the people nor companies nor places mentioned have endorsed or agreed to the game...yet. And as you know, now that it's posted here, I own the copyright to the idea...suckas!

For the uninitiated, Torah Hero allows you to sing songs and play plastic instruments to make music. Singing is done like karaoke with words scrolling across the TV. "Music" is made by hitting a colored button on the guitar and "strumming" when a shape of the same color moves down the screen and across a marked line. When you hit the correct button (or drumpad) you'll make a note. The more accurate you are, the better your music will sound, resulting in a higher score and more money.

Be a Mensch and pickup a copy at your local Temple...it's tax deductible and pays me for designing this logo.

Gameplay
Playing alone or in a group, use the instruments to get through prayers, songs, Torah portions, and minigames. When bandmates fail out of a song, they're revived by Jewish penicillin (matzah ball soup). For more points, activate L'Chaim power with a double drum cymbal hit, guitar master button, or by turning the wiimote and nunchuk like you were scrolling through a Torah.


Difficulty Levels
Game difficulty is determined by the ratio of English-Hebrew content and game speed. This means a player may choose a Conservative level of English-Hebrew content and play it at an Orthodox game speed. Game speeds increase from Reform up to Chasidic.

• Reform - English/Hebrew equal split

• Conservative - A little more Hebrew

• Orthodox - Almost all Hebrew
  

• Chasidic - All Hebrew as possible
  

Just think of how proud you'd be of your son when he not only chants prayers and sings songs perfectly, but also plays guitar.

Venues
As you progress through the game, you'll play at many great Jewish locations in the U.S. and Israel, including:

• Generic Temple Name - Temple Shalom Beth Shalom Har Sinai Shalom Beit Israel

• DC - Washington Hebrew Congregation

• LA - Valley Beth Shalom
  

• Baltimore - Temple Oheb Shalom
  

• Big City Suburb - Temple Sinai of Bergen County
  

• NYC - Temple Emanu-El

• Carnegie Deli
  

• Cleveland - Shaarey Tikvah

• JCC Purim Carnival

• Israel - Western Wall of the 2nd Temple

Instruments
You can play the game with up to two plastic guitars (that sound like acoustic and electric when possible), a microphone, set of drums, and a special shofar attachment.

The drumkit doubles as a set of bongos!

Downloadable Content
You may download yamulkes, mezzuzahs, menorahs, talises, and weekly Torah portions not included in the original game.


Create-a-Character
Create you and your bandmates using one of these baseline characters:

Your character abilities improve as you progress through the game. Many clothing and decorative options are available.


Create-a-Shul
Torah Hero allows you to create your own shul! You'll begin with a small shul for which you must hire an inexperienced, fresh out of school Rabbi and Cantor; you're too small to attract talented service leaders let alone afford them. The better you perform songs the more money you'll earn in the form of donations to the temple.

As you play more songs, you'll attract more congregants allowing you to upgrade and expand the building with a nursery and Hebrew school classrooms. This also means hiring an education director and letting a president of the Temple board take over operational duties if you didn't use them to create your character earlier.

Of course running a Temple isn't for everyone. Among the issues that you'll face include:

• Someone mixed-up the grape juice for Manischewitz for Shabbat services so now lots of middle schoolers are drunk.


• A cardiologist who's pushy, wealthy, and an important donor wants his son's Bar Mitzvah date changed just three weeks before the agreed original date.


• The sisterhood's membership levels are low.


• Nobody's buying the junk in the Temple gift shop (not that anyone does).


• As the shul expands you run low on Gates of Repentance copies.

• Nobody's following carpool pickup rules.

• The Lowensteins brought their triplet toddlers to the adult Rosh Hashannah service again.
  

• The entire nursery school is infected with the swine flu.

• Someone leaked a copy of the Rabbi's high holiday sermon to the elderly congregants and they're already complaining.
  

• The accounting office misplaced a family scholarship endowment fund.


• Rampant high holiday ticket forgery, StubHub posting, and eBay scalping.


• You continue losing to the rival Temple across town in the Maccabi games.

Design and construct your shul like Phelps Construction Group did for Beth Am Shalom.

Jewish Guilt Loading Screens
Because there's a delay while the game loads each song, you'll pass the time reading the many passive-aggressive themes of Jewish guilt. You may have done nothing wrong, but your mother thinks you did, including:

• Why haven't you called your mother today?


• Would it kill you to visit your aunt Ruthie? She's only 10 minutes away.


• Your grandmother made matzah pancakes, can you at least try eating a few to make her happy?


• If you keep eating like that you'll never find yourself a nice Jewish boy.


• Read the Modern Jewish Girl's Guide to Guilt.

• Now that you're 18 years old, when are you finding a nice Jewish girl, getting engaged, getting married, and having my grandchildren?
  

• You should come to the brotherhood meeting, it's full of guys like your old man.


• Come over for dinner tonight; we have extra brisket and we never see you anymore.

• You ARE going to Shabbat services even though you're no longer living with us, right?

• I'm sure you have some time to at least volunteer at Shabbat and hand out challah. Don't make me look bad in front of the Rabbi and ruin the family name. We've only been going for generations.
  


• Why don't I see you wearing that argyle sweater I got you for Channukah?


• Being a rocket scientist is good an all, but I'd be prouder if you had become a doctor, lawyer, or Rabbi. To be honest, I'd only be proud of you if you had become a Rabbi.

• Don't worry about me, I'm just your mother.
  

• Remember that girl you had a crush on in nursery school? Well I ran into her mother at the store and she says hello. You know she's married now, you missed out.

• Did you make me those grandkids yet?

Songlist
Tiers of songs are played in the order they appear on the calendar. As available, you may choose different melodies and Ashkenazi or Sephardic pronunciations. The following are the default song and prayer versions. Do pity me by checking all song links because I spent many, many unhealthy hours finding just the right ones. Think of this as your one stop site for basic Jewish songs on YouTube.


Tier 1 - Shabbat
Location - Temple Shalom Beth Shalom Har Sinai Shalom Beit Israel
Song 1 - Wine Blessing (and in sign language)
Song 2 - Bread Blessing
Song 3 - Candle Blessing
Song 4 - Dovid Melech (with hand gestures from "Grease" as I learned in Hebrew school)
Song 5 - Shema
Song 6 - Shecheyanu
Song 7 - Adon Olam
Song 8 - Lecha Dodi (or an acapella version from Brandeis
Encore - Shabbat Shalom
Extras - Song background includes 12 and 13-year-old kids not paying attention at the back of the sanctuary; party scenes include the electric slide, Coke and Pepsi races, and Hart to Hart performing.

This rock version of Adon Olam is great!

Tier 2 - Debbie Friedman (unlockable character)
Location - Temple Sinai of Bergen County
Song 1 - Mi Shebeirach
Song 2 - Miriam's Song
Song 3 - Aleph-Bet song
Song 4 - Not by Might, Not by Power
Encore - Lechi Lach (quicker acapella version)
Extras - Unlock kugel to improve guitar skills
Unlockable minigame - using the wiimote and nunchuk, flip and cross strands of dough to make challah


Tier 3 - Rosh Hashannah
Location - Washington Hebrew Congregation
Song 1 - Mi Chamocha (or this band version)
Song 2 - Ein Keloheinu
Song 3 - Sim Shalom
Song 4 - Shofar prayers (tekiah, teruah, shevarim-teruah, and shevarim) using the shofar attachment
Encore - Tekiah Gedolah (play the shofar attachment as long as possible)
Extras - Unlock apples and honey to improve singing


Tier 4 - Yom Kippur
Location - Temple Oheb Shalom
Song 1 - Hinei Ma Tov or the techno version
Song 2 - Shalom Rav
Song 3 - Gevurot
Song 4 - Kol Nidre is only listened to and not played (Yo-Yo Ma and the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra)
Encore - Kedushah
Unlockable minigame - Drive to beat the Kol Nidre doors before they close
Extras - Unlock alternate talises

The race to get to the Temple before doors close for Kol Nidre will be based on OutRun's game engine.

Tier 5 - Sukkot and Simchat Torah
Location - Valley Beth Shalom
Song 1 - Torah blessing before and after reading
Song 2 - Torah Tziva
Song 3 - Haftorah blessing before and after reading
Song 4 - V'ha'er Ein'einu
Encore - Current Torah portion
Extras - Unlock a Sukkah as playable venue
Unlockable minigame - "Don't Drop the Torah" has players pressing buttons to balance the Torah as congregants get pushy trying to touch their prayer books to the Torah (the Torah is never shown hitting the ground, but a dropped Torah means replaying Tier 5).


Tier 6 - Birthright Israel
Location - Western wall of 2nd Temple
Song 1 - Yerushalayim Shel Zahav
Song 2 - V'Shamru
Song 3 - Birthright Israel Program Song
Song 4 - Zoom Gali Gali
Song 5 - Am Yisrael Chai
Encore - Havenu Shalom Aleichem (Beach Boys style)
Extras - Unlock mezzuzahs from a Jerusalem marketplace to give to your mother or hang in your create-a-Shul's many doorposts

The Wiggles + Havenu Shalom Aleichem = Awesome

Tier 7 - Channukah
Location - Carnegie Deli
Song 1 - Channukah Candle Prayers
Song 2 - I Have a Little Dreidel
Song 3 - The Latke Song (Debbie in a return performance)
Song 4 - Light One Candle
Song 5 - Maoz Tzur (Rock of Ages) (also available in Marching Band style)
Song 6 - Sivivon, Sov, Sov, Sov
Encore - Channukah, Oh Channukah with sign language (also available in Beach Boys style)
Extras - Unlock alternate menorahs


Tier 8 - Tu B'Shevat and Purim
Location - JCC purim carnival
Song 1 - Mein Hut Der Hat Drie Ekken (My Hat, It Has Three Corners)
Song 2 - Etz Chaim (It's The Tree of Life)
Song 3 - Chag Purim (or the more popular party version)
Song 4 - Once There was a Wicked Man (lyrics found here)
Encore - JCC carnival minigames: basketball free throws and bean bag target toss for the same lame prizes offered every year at every JCC Purim carnival
Extras - Activate star power by shaking the wiimote like a grogger; get trees planted in your name in Israel after finishing Tier 8
Unlockable minigame - Press button combinations to part the Red Sea


Tier 9 - Passover
Location - Shaarey Tikvah
Song 1 - Dayeinu (use wiimotes during song to dab drops on plates for the 10 plagues)
Song 2 - Mah Nishtanah
Song 3 - Let My People Go
Song 4 - Chad Gadya (Two Zuzim/An Only Kid) said as fast as possible
Encore - Oseh Shalom (also available in Beach Boys style)
Extras - Unlock brisket to improve drumming ability

Earn extra points chanting the four questions in Yiddish.

Tier 10 - Jewish Singers and Broadway
Location - Temple Emanu-El
Song 1 - Avinu Malkeinu by Barbara Streisand (non-celebrity version with lyrics)
Song 2 - If I Were a Rich man
Song 3 - Hava Nagila by the Eagles (guitar only)
Song 4 - Hatikvah (Israel National Anthem by Streisand)
Song 5 - Channukah Song by Adam Sandler (part 1)
Encore - Hava Nagila (Neil Diamond)
Extras - Artists are unlockable
Song Heard During Credits - Hatikva and Yerushalayim Shel Zahav combination on Piano


Champion's Award - You've Earned a Dual Degree as Rabbi and Cantor
Character presented with certificate at Hebrew Union College (Reform), Ziegler School of Rabbinic Studies in Los Angeles/Rabbinical School of the Jewish Theological Seminary in New York (Conservative), or Yeshiva University (Orthodox).

Get your copy of Torah Hero today!

A Great Super Bowl and Birthday Party That Didn't Happen

During Thanksgiving dinner, I talked to my parents about plans for my 30th birthday taking place this month. I should take a trip to a warm climate like LA or head south for some beach time. Then it hit me; I'll combine a Super Bowl party with my birthday all with the purpose of showing off my HD entertainment purchases. I called it my Super Super Bowl and Birthday Party Party.

2+ feet of snow in 24 hours reminds me why having a winter birthday party is tough to pull off.

Fast forward to last week. I chose to ignore predictions of increasing snowfall and went to Sam's Club in Virginia one week before the Super Bowl to stock up on copious amounts of food, booze, and silverware. Here's what I had for the big game and party:

• 120 frozen buffalo wings
• 40 bottles of beer
• 10 liters of wine
• 8 liters of Coke, 30 cans of Coke Zero, and 24 cans of Diet Pepsi
• 6 pounds of tortilla chips, 1 large bag of sour cream and onion chips, and 1 large container of pretzels
• 6 pounds of guacamole and salsa dips
  
• 150 shrimp
• 1 Transformer cupcake cake
• Vegetable platter, fruit salad, and cheese and sausage plate
• 60 bottles of water
• 20-person sandwich platter and 15-person chopped salad
• 45 jalapeno poppers
• Pistachios
  
• Dozens of my mom's famous homemade cookies
  

Mom's homemade cookies included: chocolate nut, cranberry shortbread, and Russian tea cookies.

So yeah, I bought a lot of food for the 30-person party. I held out hope that parking wouldn't be an issue by Sunday afternoon because the roads would be fine with 24 hours of sunny skies and plowing. It's just snow after all. This was my Super Bowl and 30th birthday party and damn it, it was going to happen come hell or high water (in the form of snow).

The snow made chilling drinks easier. It also prevented anyone from showing.

Turns out the roads weren't that great and parking was impossible. The cancellations poured in as I became friendly with my neighbors shoveling our parking spaces. Realizing that none of my friends would make it, I invited 10 neighbors, 4 of which showed. At least my parents and their dog made it to the DC area before the storm, right?

Not all was lost because of my no-show party; it spurred me to paint the living room, install 5.1 speakers, hide the wires inside, and even clean the house. Collectively known as the most home work I've ever done.

In this week since the big game and big party that didn't happen, I've done my best to eat the remaining cold cuts (ham, roast beef, and turkey), shrimp (mercury overdose anyone?), cookies (constant sugar high), and salad with an occasional Transformer cupcake for dessert. Despite quality meats, I'm at the point of cold cut exhaustion. Mixing toppings like tomatoes, lettuce, and cucumbers with mayo and mustard is appetizing only so many times.

Few got to see the Transformer cake actually transform into 30 cupcakes.

Of my pre-party purchases, I've knocked out 1/2 of what remained of the cold cuts, 2 cans of Coke Zero, two dozen cookies, 3 cupcakes, and the remainder of salad and shrimp. Here's what remains:

• 9 liters of wine
• 10 pounds of chips and chip dips
• 32 bottles of beer
• Much of the soda and water
• 20 cupcakes
• Pistachios
  
• Many cookies
• All of the jalapeno poppers
• 110 buffalo wings

Could my plate be more non-Kosher? Shrimp, ham, roast beef, and cheese on the same plate!

Not one to binge eat forever, my party purchases will be made available for an NCAA Tournament basketball party in mid-March. Knowing my party weather luck, it'll be the weekend of a freak DC hurricane.

The Quad Pie - The World's Greatest Pie Baking Challenge

Since the dawn of time, people have looked for ways to challenge their cooking abilities and expertise. Many centuries later, we are marred in a quagmire of county fair bakeoffs, 4-H recipe challenges, and Food Network forced competitions like Iron Chef and fragile cake creations.

The need to search for a great baking challenge is finally over. I have a creation that usurps all pie making contests in difficulty, stamina, and creativity. This is the decathlon of pie making. The recipe tests a baker's knowledge of structural integrity, flavor, taste, design, and planning. Only experienced piemakers should even attempt this 3+ hour recipe.

I present...the Quad Pie! Just in time to celebrate National Pie Day on January 23 or the other Pi Day on March 14 (3.14).

A Quad Pie is a four-filling pie with multiple crusts and toppings. To my minimal knowledge of everything on the Internet (Google), a Quad Pie has neither been made nor thought of before. The trick is cooking each quad in the same pie plate, balancing cooking times, preventing flavor crossovers, and keeping ingredients fresh without losing your mind from tracking multiple timers.

Here's my ever so sweet quad breakdown:

• Quadrant 1: cherry/blueberry with crumble top on standard crust
• Quadrant 2: pecan with no top on standard crust
• Quadrant 3: key lime on graham cracker crust with glazed lime wedges or fruit compote
• Quadrant 4: chocolate pudding with a whipped cream top on an oreo crust.

I did not create a Quad Pie, but I did think of it, documented the steps, and risked my own life for cooking science by eating it after it was done. As mentioned on Jezebel and Asylum...Here are pictures from the greatest pie ever made...

The pie's bottom is a little thicker than a normal one-filling pie and the two strips are edible walls that will separate fillings.

The first half of the Quad Pie's base is set.

Garbanzo (chick peas) are used to weigh down the bottom dough and hold walls up. Use aluminum foil to shape the load-baring holder as necessary.

The cherry filling is the first to be cooked. A tough lesson is learned why you can never assume the walls will hold the filling on their own. Use the foil wrapped beans in all empty quads all the time. Some quick cleanup and the Quad Pie was ready to move forward. No harm done.

With the cherries baked, the next quad was filled with pecans and syrup. Garbanzo beans remain in the unused half for structural integrity. You'll want to bake the bakable fillings on the same side because caddy-corner wall baking is not worth the increased risk of collapse.

During the cherry crumble top and pecan baking, some pecan syrup leaked out, but it wasn't a dealbreaker. Be sure the wall is solid before shaping the garbanzo foil for the final quad. Some quad filling spillage is within the acceptable error threshold.

The key lime pie graham cracker foundation is put into place as is the final dough wall axis.

Key lime filling added and ready for the fourth, and final quad filling.

The oreo crust was added and quickly pressed down with the garbanzo bean foil until its walls were strong enough after baking. It's a great challenge to not over-bake the other ingredients at this time.

With the chocolate pudding added, all that's left are the toppings.

Voila! The world's first and only Quad Pie! Note the whipped cream on top of the chocolate pudding and fruit on top of the key lime quad.

Another low-resolution picture of the greatest pie ever baked.

Any amateur can cook four separate cheesecakes and put a quadrant of each on the same plate. The Quad Pie is for professionals only.

The best cut from a Quad Pie is the inside square, giving you a small quad of each quad.

It's a mini Quad Pie...four pies in one! Try making one if you think you're up to the challenge.

The Newseum: One Journalism Graduate's Review

I've never visited a museum in which I had more knowledge about its subject matter than the average person. I don't know much geology and paleontology at the Natural History Museum, I dropped art history so I'm at a loss at the National Gallery, and I've never committed espionage so I'm unfamiliar with the Spy Museum's gadgets.

This was true until my visit to the Newseum. As a reformed, no longer in the business, journalism degree recipient from the University of Maryland, I couldn't wait to see how the building would be filled with the objects, themes, and principles of a dying profession. Worst case scenario if the museum disappointed, I'd at least have a good view of Pennsylvania Avenue.

The display of the day's papers from around the country stop many people who fail to realize the papers are all online anyway.

The Newseum has a prime spot along Pennsylvania Avenue across the street from a few Smithsonians and a good fairway drive to the Capitol. It's glass facade doesn't fit DC's marble and granite style, but who isn't a fan of glass walls? Moved from its first home in Rosslyn, the Newseum boasts some 250,000 square feet with 15 theaters, and many galleries. It's the be all end all of journalism in its most spectacular, come hither and ignore the ugly side of the profession way.

The lobby opens to the top floor and offers enough space for a traffic helicopter, satellite, and gigantic video screen.

The ground floor houses the eating area, rotating exhibits, several theaters, and pieces of the Berlin wall. That's right, the Berlin Wall. Something better suited for a history museum is in the Newseum, along with a watch tower. The curators tried to put a journalistic spin on things, but I wasn't convinced. The massive stone slabs are off in a corner, on the other side of express elevators. It came across as an afterthought exhibit suited for the basement because other floors that discuss actual journalism couldn't support their massive, empty weight.

Help me out here, what does the Berlin Wall have to do with writing stories? It's called a gimmick.

The two exhibits available in the rotating space are photographs by SI's Walter Looss and the FBI's top news stories in its first 100 years. The sports pictures were stunning as were the stories behind how Looss managed to luck into being in the right place. The FBI section was really the history of the FBI's biggest stories with examples of articles about the criminals. I didn't think the journalism angle for this was strong. The fact that the Post printed drawings of the DC Sniper's van doesn't warrant a place in a journalism museum.

Seeing the Unabomber's shed for a house doesn't teach journalism. It just teaches us that he was a bad at building shelves.

The rest of the bottom floor offered theaters showing vignettes on what makes the news, sports journalism history, and a look at Walter Cronkite's career. I walked out of the 25-minute sports movie after 8 minutes because it didn't offer anything new. Anyone who has watched sports documentaries and countless hours of ESPN will also be bored. I was looking for more technical information on sports journalism such as how sporting events are produced, how stories are filed on deadline, what a typical team beat reporter goes through each game, and how your local sports newscast has changed because of ESPN.

Instead you're treated to a glossy review of sports journalism history hosted by Ahmad Rashad. Really Newseum? The best you could get was Ahmad Rashad? How does he represent sports journalism? The piece shows interviews with Bob Costas, how about using him? Rashad has never asked a cognitive question in his life and whose claim to fame is being buddy-buddy with Michael Jordan during halftime interviews in the 1990s. A big miss here.

My faith in the Newseum was restored after a forgetful concourse floor.

From the first floor up the Newseum begins to correct itself. An outstanding gallery of Pulitzer Prize photography is on display. These jawdropping shots stopped me in my tracks. A well-designed theater inside of the gallery was also interesting. The pictures were terrifying, exciting, haunting, and wonderful.

The Newseum knows who bankrolled its existence so it made no mention of how news pushes the views of it's conglomerate parent companies.

My first stop on the second floor was the ethics interactive exhibit. Believe it or not, there used to be ethics that journalists followed when researching, writing, and publishing stories. I decided to put my thousands of dollars in UMD journalism training to the test and "battled" a family of four to see who can answer ethical questions quicker to fill a front page. My dear parents, fear not, for I did learn something at school and won handily; getting every question right.

See? I did learn something at that cow college.

A favorite J-school teacher of mine teaching all visitors about ethics.

The floor also offered a suite of cameras for visitors to act as TV reporters. Only one person was doing his live shot when I passed by. I declined an offer to try my hand having done it far too often as an undergrad. The staff member told the visitor that the teleprompter moves at either an adult or child rate. It's too bad the staffer couldn't move the teleprompter as the person spoke because having predefined rates of display couldn't be more wrong. The teleprompter moves as the talent speaks, not the other way around.

Could my nose have been any higher when I, of all people, didn't participate?

The third floor offered a memorial to fallen journalists that should have been more prominent. Tucked in an uninviting corner, it's easy to miss when it shouldn't be. There's also a great display showing how electronic news has changed from the 19th century to today. The panels chronicled advances in radio, TV, and Internet reporting along with events that best represented those advances. It's the exact display you'd expect a history of journalism museum to offer.

Another display tucked away on this floor is one to Edward R. Murrow. Long before his image was abused by every media outlet as a false stamp of approval for talent and whose award is offered in so many categories and market sizes that everyone will win something, he was providing the first live reports from WW2. Murrow's area has poor lighting and takes less space than a display of first family dogs. Priorities, Newseum. Where are your priorities?

A modern control room, but no lessons to be taught. How about explaining what goes on behind the scenes?

The fourth floor was weak. Following the third floor's lead of hiding important exhibits, a gallery on the first amendment was also easy to miss. Seeing as how it's a foundation for all press, more space should be dedicated to this article of the Constitution. Visitors can also see a mock of the late Tim Russert's office. This was very creepy, unenlightening, and clearly done to appease a big sponsor of the Newseum. Nothing is gleaned from Russert's desk.

He did host Meet the Press for many years, but to give his entire office exhibit space is too much for just an interviewer. Russert is not on par with Murrow, the only other journalist receiving such space. The Newseum should have had more displays about the greats of journalism. Another missed opportunity.

The 9/11 gallery was well done and modest with a wall of front pages, the mangled broadcast antenna, and a small theater. I chose to not watch the movie and see those images more often than I need. The Newseum balanced the event's gravity with its technical and logistical impact to NYC TV news.

I would like to see more talk about how 9/11 was the first major news story to test the Internet's capacity to deliver breaking news and how web sites featured abbreviated pages because their servers were slammed. For the first time, TV was no longer the fastest way to get news nor was it everyone's first choice. No longer did I have to wait for TV to tell me breaking news when I could just refresh my browser from many, many sources. It stamped the Internet as my generation's source for breaking stories.

The Newseum's best floor is the fifth floor, home to its collection of historic newspapers. Offering 500 years of newspapers, visitors can pull out drawers of front page copies about major events. Walls are also lined with major objects of journalism history like typewriters and "portable" communication devices. There are also small theaters with documentaries on things like the civil rights movement and the media and Hollywood's depiction of the press.

An exhibit on Woodstock used the 100-foot screen, but I wasn't interested. The exhibit tried to argue that Woodstock was a boon to music reviews, but it was a tough sell.

The history of news panels finished with a small blurb about "Who Controls the News?" It mentions that major companies own media outlets because they're tremendous revenue streams and few of these companies have ties to journalism. The Newseum tiptoed around this so as not to insult its founding partners, but to be true to the craft, more honesty is needed when writing about today's journalism world.

This printer is so so old...it can't even print double-sided, collated, colored, stapled, 3-hole punched, 11x17 copies from a network server off a USB thumbdrive!

Corporations own many media forms, influencing and determining a story's content, angle, and opinion. If the Newseum was honest, it would debate the pros and cons, even finding this to be negative in the changing landscape. Is it too much to ask the museum built to display journalism to not reflect bias in its own reporting? It's only the foundation for the entire ethics center on the second floor.

The final floor offers more front pages from around the world, views of Pennsylvania Avenue, and an exhibit (through February 2010) about Lincoln's assassination. I though this exhibit was well done, telling the story with newspaper prints, showing how journalism actually did impact the event. Curators were just lucky to make this more about the journalism because few artifacts remain; unlike the FBI exhibit that was all artifacts and little about journalism's impact because it had little.

Funny headline mistakes keep you entertained in the bathroom.

The Newseum should change exhibit space to explain how an event becomes a story, much like you'd learn how a bill becomes a law during a visit to Congress. I suggest taking a story like a burning building and show how it's covered in a newspaper, on the radio, on TV, and on the Internet. How do the stories differ? What does each medium offer or lack in trying to tell the story? The Newseum should explain the steps to storytelling, from the assignment editor to the reporter who then talks to sources, firefighters, and neighbors, writing shorthand notes before composing the story.

From there, the story is composed in different styles depending on the medium. How about getting NAT sound for radio or good "B" roll for TV? Maybe a multimedia gallery for the web site? The Newseum should explain how a copy editor proofs a story, how a video editor works with the reporter (in larger markets) to sync pictures with words, and how a radio reporter has to put you at the scene without pictures. How do you overcome each medium's drawbacks?

Finally, with the story ready for publication, the Newseum should explain how an editor lays out a front page, how a producer and director pull together a 30-minute newscast including a much deserving mention to those behind the scenes like cameramen, tape rollers, and the many people in a control room. It's more than just the pretty face on camera that makes it work. The Newseum must dive into the nitty-gritty of journalism and put the visitor in the position to really be a reporter and not just read a teleprompter.

The Newseum already had the satellite truck so why not continue telling the tale of how an event is told as a story?

The Newseum, as I touched on before, must have honest debates about the state of the profession. The big elephant in the room is the public's distrust of the media. There should be talks about how the image of a reporter has eroded so quickly in the last 15 years and what could be done to improve things. The filtering of news through mother company eyes must be out in the open, no matter who pays the electric bills.

Journalism is about honesty so the Newseum should be honest about journalism. Until then, it's as much a building about journalism as it is a glorified modern history museum with newspapers.

How I'd Improve Gas Station Pumps

Why must pumping gas be such an ugly, messy, and industrial affair? I have yet to find a pump that puts the consumer experience first. This needs to change.

I understand that because the nozzle tip is going into a gas tank, it needs to be plain metal, but there's no need for me to see it. I propose adding a retractable outer shell over the metal end that collapses as you put the nozzle into the gas tank. When the nozzle is removed from the tank, the outer shell would re-cover the nozzle and catch gas drops. Just imagine, no more gas drops on your shoes.

The retractable cover is based on advanced collapsible pink cup technology.

The lever that's pulled to allow gas to flow is very unappealing. It's A barren 3-inch metal strip that may or may not lock into position for hands-free pouring. I think there should be a button on the outside that you press once to get the gas flowing. Like its metal brethren, the button would return to its original place when the tank is full. This would make the nozzle piece sleeker.

With my improvements, this won't happen again!

All pump stations should ask if you want a receipt before pumping. There's nothing a driver wants to do less after returning the pump than answer whether or not a receipt is needed. I only want to sanitize my hands after dealing with gas and be on my way. Sure, people could just use gas gloves, but why make the gas pumper purchase protective equipment when that won't be necessary with these changes.

Gas gloves, like this one for U.S. Patent US6643846, won't be needed if I have my way.

With any revolutionary idea like this one, there are some hurdles in the way. There's the cost of designing a prototype, let alone a mass produced version. Building new pumps and retrofitting current models requires hours of work and manufacturing logistics. Selling station owners on the idea is hard because they might have to increase their prices by a few cents. I think customers won't mind the price if it means a guaranteed 100% clean gas pumping experience.

For clean gas pumping you can either hire me as a consultant to implement my idea or drive to New Jersey and Ohio to have someone pump for you. Who says New Jersey isn't high class?

My Quest to Ride all 1,126 Metro Cars Begins

One day, I shared a Metro ride with fellow blogger MoCoLotion who pointed out that we were riding the first Metro car, #1000. With that ride, I began logging the cars I rode each way to and from work along the red line. I've compiled 40 cars that I rode since #1000 and will continue to do so until I forget to note the car number too often.

The momentous occasion demanded this cell phone picture.

So far I haven't had any repeats. It's not that surprising because the Metro system has 1,126 cars and will have a few hundred 7000 series models in the system in 2012. According to a recent press release, "There are 290 1000-series rail cars, 364 2000/3000-series rail cars, 100 4000-series rail cars, 188 5000-series rail cars and 184 6000-series rail cars."

I'll log future rides along the right panel of this blog where only the truly bored are welcome to follow along. For now, here are the trains that I've graced with my backside:

1. 1000
2. 1015
3. 1032
4. 1063
5. 1064
6. 1068
7. 1101
8. 1111
9. 1143
10. 1194
11. 1195
12. 1205
13. 1246
14. 1250
15. 1271
16. 3038
17. 3075
18. 3106
19. 3107
20. 3169
21. 3196
22. 3217
    
23. 3221
24. 3251
    
25. 3255
26. 3267
27. 3270
28. 3279
29. 4001
30. 4021
31. 4031
32. 4043
33. 5056
34. 5125
35. 5147
36. 6074
37. 6102
38. 6122
39. 6136
40. 6153
41. 6182

******UPDATE*******

Six weeks after beginning my quest to ride all Metro cars, I finally had a repeat car, #3023.

A 26.2-Mile Sibling Rivalry at the Marine Corps Marathon

I finished. Long ago, when I accepted that I wasn't going to keep pace with my sister after the first step, my goal was to finish and I reached that goal. 26.2 miles is a long way to go, no matter that my sister finished an hour ahead of me. Only in the last few hours have I started to understand the magnitude of this accomplishment.

A great bonus for completing this marathon was the full acquittal for all those things I quit when I was younger. Had I known I'd get a free pass for a marathon I would have ran one sooner! My father and mother told me I was forgiven for the following:

• quitting karate in 3rd grade after two weeks because the Cosby show aired at the same time (yes, there was a time before Tivo);
• quitting the trombone after three weeks because my buddy got a shiny new one;
• after my dad asked me why I didn't tackle someone in a 5th grade football rec league game, I said, "well, I'll just wait for them to come to me";
• overly dramatic tales of woe at three sleep away camps due to spectacular homesickness;
• never playing a game of little league baseball because I always thought the ball was going to hit me and I have trouble following fast moving objects (even those going 40 MPH);
  
• only raking Fall leaves when my dad was looking my way, otherwise laying low; and
• quitting an etiquette class because I wasn't winning the "random" prizes.

Notice a quitting trend here? It ended on Sunday.

Pre-Race Morning
After three bananas, three egg whites, and 40 ounces of the water, I joined my sister and a friend we made the night before as we made our way to the Eisenhower Metro station. Everyone around me had run at least four marathons and were quite encouraging that the hardest part was done, meaning the training. Easy for them to say.

We made our way to the starting corrals in total darkness and waited in the cold for two hours until it was race time. Because we had arrived so early we got to enjoy unused porta-pottys that actually had toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Such a luxury! As the sun rose, so did our excitement as a member of the "Jersey Boys" show sang the national anthem. I took the NJ connection as a good sign. I was looking for all the positive earmarks I could find.

And We're Off!
With the blasting of a howitzer the race started; about 10 minutes later we finally crossed the start line. One step over the line I was tied with my sister, one step later she was gone in a flash; not to be seen until the family linkup after the finish. I was on my own. It was up to me to run this race, control my pace, and listen to my body. I kept telling myself, "you've trained for long runs so this is just another long run," albeit with water stations every two miles and closed roads for my route."

No turning back at the start!

Miles 0 - 2: Everyone, pee on the side of the road!
As I started my run, it felt like a roller coaster with the seat belt arm already down. I knew it was going to be a great ride despite my worries and I couldn't quit now. After leaving Rosslyn, we ran through some wooded areas which allowed several runners to turn them into their own bathrooms. Even a few female runners found some hidden places; I was certainly impressed with their ingenuity. 1.5 miles in I was ready to ditch my long sleeve shirt and conveniently found a charity collecting such clothes and tossed it their way.

Miles 3 - 4: I Flashed Women and They Laughed
These were the prettiest miles of the course because of the peak color changing in the trees. Is there a better drive in the DC area than the GW Parkway in the Fall? More wooded areas meant more pit stops for runners who thought nothing of leaving their marks. At mile 4 we would turn left onto the Key Bridge. 50 yards before I figured this was the last spectator-free wooded area and decided to become one of those runners.

I went off-road and took care of things with no runners around me. Only after I was finishing my business did I notice two female runners farther up the hillside doing the same and giggling. I thought it was in my direction and I wanted to yell, "It's shrinkage! It's 40 degrees in the morning!"

Shrinkage is not just for laundry.

Miles 5 - 9: Yep, Georgetown was Built on a Hill
A little after mile 5, I began my intervals of five minutes of running and one minute of walking that would carry me throughout the race. This Georgetown portion of the race went along Canal Road which only reminded me of how crazy it was for me to drive a 22' Penske moving truck along the way. Around mile 9 we were offered orange slices. I wanted no part of them as I wasn't about to mess with my racing diet at this point. Running through a road of orange peels left our shoes with super traction. I'm just happy I didn't have to worry about banana peels.

Miles 10-11: Familiar Faces and Tears of Joy

I was really hitting my stride (haha!) at this point. The crowds were great and I was so very familiar with this part of the course.  I saw my parents just before hitting Hains Point. After running 50 feet from them I turned around and saw my dad hugging my mom with tears in his eyes. For the first time all race, at least one drop on my face wasn't from sweat.

Cue the inspirational music.

Miles 12 - 15: Like Pulling a Thorn From the Lion's Paw
I was warned that Hains Point would suck thanks to the lowest amount of spectators on the course and lots of wind. While there were few spectators, there was no wind. It was a tight fit along the road, but we managed. Just after mile 13 and the water station, I felt a pebble in my right shoe. I tried running with it, hoping that it would move out of the way, but it didn't. I briefly step aside and tried taking my shoe off, but figured it wasn't worth the trouble. A 1/4 mile later the pebble wasn't an issue. I saw my parents shortly thereafter.

Miles 16 - 18: What Happened to My Left Nip Guard?
I got nervous when I saw the mile 16 marker. It was at mile 16 in my last long run that I hit the wall, hard. I limped my way to reach 20 miles that time when my goal was actually 22. I busted through mile 16 with surprising ease. I did a nip guard check. Right one, yep. Left one, nope! Uh oh.

Somehow at some point somewhere my left one came off. Without any backups I had to move forward. Only later did I find out that it fell to my belly button, surely doing a better job of stopping any minor friction cuts down there. Thankfully I was wearing a blue shirt that hid any, umm, bloody evidence that I wasn't protected on my left side.

Miles 19 - 21: I Fought the Wall and I Won
After completing the route up and down the mall, that took the shape of a male body part definitely not suffering from shrinkage, I saw my parents and sister's boyfriend as I made way over 395. My quads were on fire. They weren't too bad when I ran, but my one-minute walks had me checking to see if my quads really were smoking.

At mile 21, my calves tightened or gave out, maybe that's one and the same. I tried walking only to stumble a bit as my calves didn't want me running anymore. If I ran a certain way I felt a shot of pain through my groin. Yep, my lower half wasn't having any fun this day. I pushed forward and made myself run. Mind over matter in the truest sense.

Miles 22 - 23: The Longest Mile
I reached Crystal City knowing my pain threshold would be tested all the way to the finish line. I turned onto Crystal Drive and began the longest mile of the race. With runners running on the other side of the road I knew the turnaround point had to be soon, but it never came. The street was lined with colored flags that were nice at the start, but an annoyance at the end.

I kept seeing a flag over a hill thinking that it had to be our U-turn only to be disappointed time and time again. It was tough not knowing how far I had to go before I could run on the other side of the road. Eventually I made the turn, through a driveway no less, and had two miles left to go.

Miles 24 - 26: I Won't Quit on Myself
I really wanted to walk for longer than one minute, but I kept telling myself I'd be wasting the great running I had done earlier in the race. And quit for what purpose? Because I'm mentally fatigued? This was no time to quit in what might be my only marathon. I dug deep and pushed forward, thinking of a few select folks who are in worse shape then me and could only dream of having "quads on fire" as their biggest issue.

Mile 26.2: A Goal Realized
I turned up the Iwo Jima Memorial hill, ran by the grandstand, and put my arms up at the finish line. It was awesome. Two blood blisters were well earned this day.

Post Race: Wobbling Like a Wobble Toy
I swayed a few times as I reached the finisher medal line. With the medal around my neck, I sought out water and any food within reach. Cheerios and more water gave me balance after 10 minutes of leaning on a pallet of boxes. I waited as the massive crowd made its way up and over to Wilson Boulevard. In what seemed like miles away, but was only a few blocks, I found my cheering section in the Family Linkup as planned.

Oh I know this feeling now. Walking downstairs backward helps.

Hugs and kisses were given, more great pictures were taken by my sister's boyfriend, and tears were shed. I ate a Chipotle burrito and we waited in a fast moving line to enter to the Rosslyn Metro station. My sister received a Marine Corps music CD, we got our finisher coins, and my face was covered in salt, glorious marathon salt.

Field of Screams (Olney) Got No Screams Out Of Me

Ever wanted to go on a scary hayride that was neither scary nor on bales of hay? Then checkout Field of Screams in Olney! Seriously. This $10 experience was beyond atrocious. I must have been spoiled going to Markoff's Haunted Forrest a few years ago. Markoff's was spectacular, Field of Screams was craptacular. Sure a trail should be scarier than a hayride, but shouldn't a scary hayride be scary?

Let's breakdown how this Haunted Hayride of Hemlock Hill stole my money.

I should have known this wasn't going to be so great when there seemed to be chaos just signing waivers and buying our tickets. Could they be any more disorganized? After waiting in line for a bit, we came to this corral of sorts where we had to work our way to the waiver table and then make eye contact with one of the ticket sellers. Just poorly designed all around. Again, Markoff's was nice and orderly.

We walked across a lacrosse field to get to the hayride line, nevermind we were told the wrong direction to walk. FYI, telling us to walk toward the concessions area does not put us toward the hayride. We waited in line for about 15 minutes, during which only one hayride came by. I thought it was odd that only one hayride would be running, but chalked it up to being only 8 PM.

We began to board and take our seats, not on bales of hay as you would, you know, do on a hayride. Nope. We sat on wood benches whose lumbar support felt like a nun hitting me with a wide ruler, over and over again in the small of my back. Sure, I've never spoken to a nun, let alone been hit by a nun's ruler, but this night made up for that. The floor of the sitting area had hay on the floor about 4 needles deep. I was lucky to have any hay under my feet. I chalked this up to having a lot of kids at that hour pushing hay off the cart.

I grew up nowhere near a farm, but even I know a hayride equation requires 1 part John Deere tractor, 1 part cart, and many parts hay. We're not talking nuclear algorithms here yet Field of Screams got this wrong.

We finally get rolling and enter a dark trail with trees on either side making for a dark ride. Oh boy...time to get scared! Unfortunately, as you enter this trail you can already see the end 20 feet away. While we bounced through the "scary" scene a guy in camo fatigues was apparently getting attacked by someone or something. Bad character choice. My defenses were up for the rest of this ride.

Who the hell has a solider-like person getting attacked these days? What the F are these people thinking? That's not scary; it's stupid, messed up, and asinine. Scary events are meant to use people and semi-human stuff so there's zero connection to that zombie getting its head taken off or seeing Freddy Krueger lose his arm. Having a soldier get attacked is really poor taste.

Peeved by that decision, we exited the 40-foot, not-so scary trail and made our way along the baseball outfield fence. It's an odd choice for a hayride path, but I thought maybe something scary would come from the other side of the fence or maybe people would jump at us from the dumpsters on our right. Nope. All that happened was brighter and brighter lighting as we traveled toward the parking lot.

That's right, our hayride was interrupted with a parking lot crossing.

I couldn't believe we really were crossing the parking lot. Maybe we're being taken to a scarier part of the ride and that trail was a teaser? Sure, I'll chalk it up (again) to that, but whatever sense of scariness buzz we had going was squashed when we dealt with cars and people in full light. Why have us queue on the other side if the action happens on the other side of the property?

A REAL haunted hayride in Philly is where we needed to go.

We made our way around some old looking house that's dark. Here we go, time to get scared! Maybe someone was going to run out of the house and scare us. Maybe there'll be scenes in the windows. Nope. Nothing. We continued up a small incline and turned around trailers and a barn. On the way a 9-year-old girl saw someone hiding next to a tree and said, "You're not scaring us because we can see you." If you can't scare her, then get out of the haunting business.

Our hayride parked itself in front of the barn where some strobe lights showed someone cutting someone or something with a chainsaw. It was a decent effect. Not scary, but something interesting. The bar had been set so low I was looking for something to hang my hat on.

We kept looking around for people and saw characters approach from the field...in white shirts! Hello! The easiest color to see in the dark is white so why are they wearing them? I smiled and laughed instead of being scared. Other people came out of the trailers being chased while two people came aboard with chainsaws blaring. Nobody was about to wet their pants.

A scary hayride that's never completely in the dark? Epic failure. There are even videos telling you how to make a hayride.

Thankfully we moved on. It has to get better, it just does. I'm looking for one good moment where I'm scared. I get scared easily so it's not asking for the moon. We turned beyond the barn and headed back across the parking lot for the second scary buzzkill of the night. We went back along the baseball outfield and through the trail. Nothing scary to be seen, heard, or felt. What a letdown.

I kept thinking it was the end, but there was one more stop in the cornfield. Ok, maybe this is it. There might be people jumping from all over that we actually can't see beforehand. I'll finally get a jolt of excitement. Nope. We pull up to four or five people on crosses (offensive, no?). Some master animatronics thing pretends to tell us a story about them living again. The trouble was the system sounded like a Metro station announcement or the Muppets' teacher, take your pick.

Of course the people came off of the crosses and tried to spook us. Others did come from the cornfield, but because the hayride uses this to make U-turn and needed a lot of room, we saw them between the corn and the hayride. We left the cornfield and returned to the start. The line was now 5x as long as before and I felt bad knowing they'll be really disappointed.

I won't speak for the haunted house, haunted trail, and haunted corn maze, but if Field of Screams can make a scary hayride a complete waste and disaster, I see no reason to be confident of those other attractions. The hayride didn't follow a "tree line of haunted woods." It followed a blueprint for the worst hayride ever. Scary hayrides can be scary. This one wasn't so don't go.

Markoff's is MoCo's choice for scary times forever and for always.