Friday, April 22, 2011

NOTM: Man Eats Mysterious Food Off Floor and Lives

Rockville, MD - Morris Herlis was hungry, parched, and nearing death last night. It was 11:30 and his last meal, some four hours earlier, consisted of two Hot Pockets and a bowl of Frosted Flakes. He needed energy if he wanted to win his online deathmatch in the videogame, Battlefield Bad Company 2, on his Playstation 3. Morris was an entire flight of stairs away from the kitchen, but he might as well have been miles away.

Morris knew that firing a Russian RPG-7 85mm anti-tank grenade launcher demanded high levels of Frosted Flakes.

Fueled by the unrecognizable ingredients that combine to make a Hot Pocket, mixed with the sugar rush of Frosted Flakes, Morris was transfixed to his TV for hours without interruption. A marathon performance to make whatever an ultra marathoner would envy. His reflects were quick that night. His pupils were fully dilated. He was unstoppable.

"Man, I was in the zone," Morris said. "I had maximum concentration. I only saw the TV and nothin' else." Morris' supreme tunnel vision and concentration allowed him to "shoot those online punks" for all of the glory that comes from playing a videogame late at night, alone, in your underwear.

According to various reports, consisting of Morris telling his story to NOTM multiple times, his sugar rush began crashing at 11:15. He maintained a moderate attention level for another ten minutes thanks to the water retention that comes from 1,620 mg of sodium in two "cheeseburger" Hot Pockets.

Giving you the power to play videogames for hours and the sodium to retain gallons of water.

"I was really starting to hit the wall by 11:25, but my squadmates needed me to capture the flag." Morris' game would last another ten minutes, but his sugar level was falling quickly from oversaturated early onset diabetes to merely normal. He was fading and legitimate resources seemed unattainable.

"Then I remembered survival skills I learned on 'Man vs. Wild' with Bear Grylls. Something about feeling around your surroundings for anything edible." Morris patted the floor below the sofa for nutrients. In a miracle that would make Moses proud, he found pretzel rods and an oatmeal raisin cookie from a Super Bowl party three months ago.

Bear Grylls eats real food in the wild like raw fish, not sofa crumbs.

Determined to finish his videoggame and not leave the sofa, Morris rammed the stale pretzels in his mouth, finding them "slightly chewy and soft". To counter the saltiness, Morris had no choice other than to eat the sweet oatmeal raisin cookie, noting that it was covered in unidentified "bits of something" with hints of belly lint.

"When you're in the wild, normalcy goes out the window," Morris said. Apparently, so does rational thought, self respect, and healthy eating habits.

Infused with a home-brewed mixture of under-the-sofa, salty and sweet calories, Morris finished playing his game for another few minutes before peeling himself off the cushions. From there he went to bed with little to relish in having lost tonight's deathmatch and all levels of decency.