Tuesday, August 17, 2010

NOTM: Man Fails to Receive Google Alerts About Himself for Another Week

Gaithersburg, MD - While trying to figure out if any of the clearance bath rugs were actually worth purchasing at the Target in the Rio, area resident Morris Herlis glanced at his Blackberry and fell into a solemn stupor.

He was a failure in life for yet another week.

An artist's Minesweeper rendition of Morris Herlis' failure to exist in Google's servers.

"I just don't get it," he said.  "Why am I not recognized by the greatest popularity measurement stick?"  Morris was referring to Google's search engine.  He created Google Alerts for any mention of his name on the web, in the news, and in image captions.  "I do all sort of boolean search techniques based on my name and never even get a nod of existence in this world.  What do I have to do, land an airplane on the Hudson River?"


A pretty drastic way to set off Google Alerts about yourself.


Morris admitted to NOTM that he does not do much to increase his presence on the web outside of liking his aunt's vacation pictures on Facebook and ordering tube socks on Amazon.com.

"At least Facebook recognizes that I like things, sometimes other people like the pictures too so they sort of see me.  I'm not invincible ya know.  Or is it invisible?  I never keep those straight.  Whatever Wonder Woman is, that's me.  No wait that didn't come out right."  Morris probably meant her airplane.

How does Wonder Woman find her invisible plane?  Why use it if she's not invisible too?
NOTM visited Google's corporate office website in Mountain View, California.  Unfortunately, the travel budget did not allow for an in-person visit to see if that forwarded email of Google's office is legit.

Nevertheless, NOTM held an in-depth interview with Beth Steinkatz, senior global communications director for international human branding applications analysis for Montgomery County (MD) and Guam, about Morris' plight.

"I don't know who you're talking about," she said.

Beth Steinkatz (not pictured) did not appreciate NOTM's hard, investigative reporting about Google's practices.
After speaking with Morris, he moped along toward the front of the store, knowing that another seven suns had set without an Internet packet mentioning his name; that was until he reached the Target cashier.  

After giving the unnervingly always cheerful red polo-shirted employee his license to verity his credit card payment, he heard, "thanks Mr. Herlis and have a good day."

Sunday, August 01, 2010

NOTM: Man avoids geese $h!t on the sidewalk

Shady Grove Metro Station - For the first time this summer, area resident Morris Herlis made it from his house to the Shady Grove Metro station without getting Canadian geese $h!t on his shoes.  Morris was overwhelmed when NOTM caught up to him on the Metro platform during another delayed red line train departure.

"It's really hard to put into words what I'm feeling right now," Morris said.  "This is just an epic moment for me and the generations of walkers who came before me, struggling to keep their soles free of green gunk.  On the other hand, I guess speaking to you means that putting the moment into words isn't as hard as I made it out to be a few seconds ago.  My bad.  What was your question again?"

Few have the will to battle this disgusting path.

Witnesses said that Morris triumphantly raised his arms when he reached the station's turnstiles and its geese free zone.  Geese frequent the Shady Grove Station property and surrounding sidewalks, leaving walkers a challenging course to avoid geese droppings.  A clean walk is unheard of.

Beth Steinkatz saw Morris' celebration unfold.  "I had just picked up my copy of the Express when this guy starts hootin' and hollerin' that he was 'finally $h!t free' so I just ignored him like the other crazies.  I figured he was on some hallucinogenic trip.  I mean, who yells that they're 'free of $h!t?'  For all I know he was celebrating a good bowel movement.  Now you might understand why it was weird."

The next generation on their way to making another sloppy sidewalk.

Morris' daily one-mile walk to the station is full of geese gifting peril.  From the moment he reaches Redland Road, the cleanliness of his shoe bottoms is at risk.  "[The geese] think nothing of using my sidewalk for a toilet.  I bet they wouldn't like it if I took a dump in their swimming holes," Morris said before realizing that their swimming holes are also sources for his drinking water.

Morris zigged and zagged around the marks.  "Man, I tell you, I was highstepping my way like a Plinko chip.  I ignored bicyclists passing me, baby strollers in the opposite direction, and some old lady on the ground who come to think of it might have been my neighbor with the bad hip."
 
A Plinko chip's movement is based on avoiding geese droppings on sidewalks.

Close to his goal, he was confronted by a gaggle of geese eating grass along "his" sidewalk.  Undeterred and brazenly determined, Morris flapped his arms and mocked the geese with a few "Ka-ka" calls.  The geese ignored his incendiary acting and made sure that his walk home would be much more difficult.  "I was tired, but I had to keep going; I wasn't gonna give up like a Nick Arcade contestant when my movements weren't recognized.  Someone has to know what I'm talking about."



These kids don't get frustrated in Nick Arcade.

A minute later Morris had made it to the station turnstiles, devoid of Canadian geese and their presents.  Unfortunately for Morris, while he was doing a celebratory spin, he stepped in a puddle and soaked his shoes, socks, and pant cuffs.  Arriving at work with clean soles had to wait.