Sunday, August 01, 2010

NOTM: Man avoids geese $h!t on the sidewalk

Shady Grove Metro Station - For the first time this summer, area resident Morris Herlis made it from his house to the Shady Grove Metro station without getting Canadian geese $h!t on his shoes.  Morris was overwhelmed when NOTM caught up to him on the Metro platform during another delayed red line train departure.

"It's really hard to put into words what I'm feeling right now," Morris said.  "This is just an epic moment for me and the generations of walkers who came before me, struggling to keep their soles free of green gunk.  On the other hand, I guess speaking to you means that putting the moment into words isn't as hard as I made it out to be a few seconds ago.  My bad.  What was your question again?"

Few have the will to battle this disgusting path.

Witnesses said that Morris triumphantly raised his arms when he reached the station's turnstiles and its geese free zone.  Geese frequent the Shady Grove Station property and surrounding sidewalks, leaving walkers a challenging course to avoid geese droppings.  A clean walk is unheard of.

Beth Steinkatz saw Morris' celebration unfold.  "I had just picked up my copy of the Express when this guy starts hootin' and hollerin' that he was 'finally $h!t free' so I just ignored him like the other crazies.  I figured he was on some hallucinogenic trip.  I mean, who yells that they're 'free of $h!t?'  For all I know he was celebrating a good bowel movement.  Now you might understand why it was weird."

The next generation on their way to making another sloppy sidewalk.

Morris' daily one-mile walk to the station is full of geese gifting peril.  From the moment he reaches Redland Road, the cleanliness of his shoe bottoms is at risk.  "[The geese] think nothing of using my sidewalk for a toilet.  I bet they wouldn't like it if I took a dump in their swimming holes," Morris said before realizing that their swimming holes are also sources for his drinking water.

Morris zigged and zagged around the marks.  "Man, I tell you, I was highstepping my way like a Plinko chip.  I ignored bicyclists passing me, baby strollers in the opposite direction, and some old lady on the ground who come to think of it might have been my neighbor with the bad hip."
A Plinko chip's movement is based on avoiding geese droppings on sidewalks.

Close to his goal, he was confronted by a gaggle of geese eating grass along "his" sidewalk.  Undeterred and brazenly determined, Morris flapped his arms and mocked the geese with a few "Ka-ka" calls.  The geese ignored his incendiary acting and made sure that his walk home would be much more difficult.  "I was tired, but I had to keep going; I wasn't gonna give up like a Nick Arcade contestant when my movements weren't recognized.  Someone has to know what I'm talking about."

These kids don't get frustrated in Nick Arcade.

A minute later Morris had made it to the station turnstiles, devoid of Canadian geese and their presents.  Unfortunately for Morris, while he was doing a celebratory spin, he stepped in a puddle and soaked his shoes, socks, and pant cuffs.  Arriving at work with clean soles had to wait.

1 comment:

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